October is Domestic Violence Month. Domestic Violence is largely a secret crime. Victims often feel what happens is embarrassing, they don’t tell anyone about it. They don’t think anyone will believe them, and are often groomed by the abuser to think that they somehow deserve it. They make excuses for the questions that come. The evidence is there, but they won’t tell you the truth. Look around you, abuse is far more rampant than you think.
I was married to a man with mental illness, and I believed he was sick, which was true. I married him for better and worse, he was sick. When do you leave, why do you stay? Often women stay because they think they have no way to leave. They have nowhere to go, and often no money. They often have children to support.
I knew I needed to leave, but there was no safe way to leave. My house was my only asset, I had inherited my first house from my grandparents. I knew he would burn it down. My kids’ livestock was there, he would have killed each one, and made sure they were told how each one had died. They were told to choose the execution order many times before, I couldn’t allow them to be hurt that way, they had lost so much already. He had already left the house, and was living with his ex-wife he had been having an affair with for well over a year.
I am well educated, I came from a good family, I was raised to believe that what others think matters. You don’t air your dirty laundry in public. I didn’t think anyone would believe what happened at home. He was well liked. I had not been allowed to have a job for many years, I had no money and no choices. I had not been allowed to have any unsupervised time for years. If I was in the bathroom too long, it was quickly investigated by him. I was kept within eye shot at all times. My house was a mess, but I was not allowed to take time away from waiting on him, or sitting on the wall phone to him while he was working, to clean it. If I left the house, it was timed. I believed that if I anticipated better, he would be less angry. I was constantly accused of cheating and reminded that I was worthless.
What happened to me didn’t happen in a day, his spiral took years. Like the frog in the boiling water, little changes, I didn’t notice, I made excuses. I stayed for 15 years, hoping it would get better, it didn’t. Not every day was bad, we had good times too. That is why I stayed, hoping for more good times. I never pressed charges, I never reported it. Even when he attacked me, I didn’t press charges, the state did. Look around you, it happens every day, to people you think you know. The guy who goes “crazy being away from you”, “they guy who needs to know where you are all the time”. There is a fine line between cute and control. He wants to be with you all the time, again, the line is fine and very hard to see. He doesn’t like it when I talk to other guys/girls (yes, it happens to guys too) you are not a possession. I see this every day with my kids and their relationships. I am painfully honest with my kids about what happened to me. I never want them to make the same mistakes I did. Again, that is a fine line, without those mistakes, I would not have my kids, or many wonderful memories. People don’t find someone who is an abusive jerk, marry them, and stay for years. Abuse happens slowly, grooming is real. Look around you, open your mind. Ask questions, keep asking. Trust your gut, be available, listen carefully, check in when things seem off. Be willing to ask the questions, because they may not be alone to give the details. I didn’t have private phone calls for years. My text messages were read and so was my email. Love your friends, sometimes you love them more than they love themselves.
I got a chance to tell my story. We made a family decision to never keep the secret again. Never hide the truth again. If me telling my story helps one person from what happened to me, it’s worth it. Please share with anyone who could benefit.